Like many people, men and women, on the self-love train, I am not in love with myself the way most are. I know, it may be hypocritical for me to say "love yourself, despite the body you have," and "every body is beautiful," when I don't even feel that about myself. However, it doesn't mean that I am not trying.
I have spent the last 28 years of my life defending myself. I remember being in preschool and saying "I used to be skinny," as if it was something I needed to be. The teacher at the preschool, she had known me since I was a baby, laughed at me and said "No you weren't." I was young, just about to enter kindergarten, and that stands out in my mind to this day. All through elementary school, middle school and high school, I was forced to defend myself against kids my age and their parents. The bullying over my weight drastically affected not only my self-esteem, but the way I viewed the people around me, how I treated the people in my life and the way I treated my body.
I started smoking at nine years old. I had seen teenagers from my neighbourhood smoking to relieve stress from their school lives and I thought it would help me as well. I started mouthing off to teachers at school from the age of 10 and didn't care how many times I was suspended for calling the teachers nasty names or cussing directly to their faces. Once I reached the age of 14, I had a reputation for being a foul-mouthed girl who could rip someone's face off just by looking at them the wrong way. It was better than being bullied for my weight, so I thought, so this reputation was fine with me.
High school was another story, as I was expelled my freshman year for fighting, but through the teen years, my weight has always been a constant thing that people poked at. I left the school world and took care of my parents, something I am still doing today. I isolated myself. I had no friends, besides my best friend from childhood, and I had developed social anxiety. When my father lost his job, we had to go on welfare and, because it is something that is required by the government, I had to either go to school or get a job. I was 23, had been taking care of my parents for 9 years, had no high school education and had never had a job. I had done this to myself, and I had nothing and no one to blame but myself.
I went back to school, attending an adult day school close to my house, and I was terrified. I knew no one, I went to the back of the class each day and sat there with the hood of my sweater pulled down over my face and did my work as fast as I could so I could leave. My years of isolation had changed me from the hard, foul-mouthed girl into a woman who knew nothing about life.
I was not bullied in the school, that was one thing I could be grateful for. On the way home, however, I was subjected to many comments and actions from the people in my neighbourhood. From being Moo'd at, to being screamed at by people from their passing cars, to having garbage thrown at me, it was an every day thing. Every day, there was a comment or an object being thrown at me.
I'm not saying that nothing good came out of the whole experience. I met my best friend at that school. I met a very close friend through her. Isolating myself drew me to the online world, where I met my boyfriend of five years. However, I am not in love with my body.
I know what I am. I know I am fat, and I am trying to find the beauty in what I see in the mirror but after all of the years of my body being shamed by, not only other people, but myself, it's hard to see myself as beautiful. My boyfriend, who I love with of my heart, loves me and my body. My friends love me no matter what size I am. My best friend brings out the best in me. I am the only one who does not see it.
I put up a great front in front of people. I believe in the mantra "fake it until you feel it." I have been faking it for many years now. Now that I am ready to go out into the world, look for a job, follow my career path, I am looking to love myself even more.
So, for the people like me; the people who don't yet love themselves, I want to say that you're not alone... I understand and so do many others.
Wednesday, 3 September 2014
Thursday, 28 August 2014
Body Positivity: No Hate, No Shame
I know that there are many, many... many blogs out here surrounding this topic, but I would like to think that as a plus size woman, my opinion is a valid one.
Women everywhere are trying their hardest to love the body their spirit lives in, but it has begun a war on social media. This year, I have been a part of many social media sites. Most of the time, I have just been an observer; capturing imagery here and there of alternative ways one chooses to love one's self. However, there have been some where I have been smack dab in the centre of it all. One of the examples is through my Instagram page.
It seems as if everyone and their mother has an Instagram account. From celebrities to pre-teens, everyone is involved in taking "selfies" and posting them for the world to see. It's a fun way to express one's self; taking a picture, using filters and sharing the photos with the Instagram world through hashtags. Instagram has become so popular that there are even communities all over the site. Most of the communities are all about one's body image.
One community, actually it is the one that I am proud to say I am a member of, is called "Pizza Sisters 4 Lyfe." The community, connecting women and men through the hashtag "pizzasisters4lyfe," is a community that supports and promotes self love. Self love meaning loving the body you're in and the bodies of other people. No hate, no body shaming, no fat shaming, no skinny shaming, etc. Pizza Sisters 4 Lyfe is all about loving Everybody and Every Body.
While there are communities that promote self love and loving one's fellow wo/man, there are some that go around "trolling" the people who are trying to love themselves a little bit more each day. The fat shamers, the pro eating disorder pages who say that if one is fat, they can not be happy. Fat, overweight or obese people are simply not allowed to be happy. The pages who promote fat shaming and harass people who are doing nothing to harm anyone else. The feud seems to begin with them.
I have been the target of many a bully in my day. I'm in my late twenties and I have never been skinny. I was fat in kindergarten, I was fat in elementary school and I was fat in high school. Honey, I have grown a thick skin and people do not affect me with their words anymore. One person, however, got to me. She was in her teens and she had commented on a few of my photos calling me names such as "fat ass" and "cow," things I had heard before. I admit I was amused by this person who was getting her thrills by calling me names. So, I did what I always do and I viewed her page. Her Instagram page was filled with pro-anorexia and pro-bulimia photos. The saddest part about her page was the photos were of her. A bucket for vomiting up dinner, imagery of self-harm and calling herself fat when she barely had any meat on her. Needless to say, I went from being amused by her bullying of me to downright appalled and completely saddened for her.
After being called many names by many more teens, I noticed that most of them have this warped vision of what women are supposed to look like. Society had warped these girls' brains and had turned them into savage beasts, competing with one another for the perfection they see on tv, the internet and through magazines. The women in my life were all large and in charge when I was growing up, so being big never offended or made me think less of myself. It also never made me want to hate on other girls who were smaller or larger than myself. It makes me wonder what the new generation of women are being taught.
I stand firm in my belief that women and men all over the world are the way they are for a reason. Maybe they did it to themselves, maybe health reasons put them in the position they are in, or maybe, just maybe, they love themselves they way they are and don't need to change themselves to fit into society. I strongly believe that every human being on this Earth has the potential for greatness. Everyone has the ability to love themselves and their fellow human. Promoting self-love is not another way of promoting obesity or an unhealthy lifestyle. Self-love is just as simple as looking in the mirror, whether you're a size 0 or a size 30, and loving who you are.
Beauty is only skin deep, babes. If you're ugly on the inside, it doesn't matter how you look on the outside.
Women everywhere are trying their hardest to love the body their spirit lives in, but it has begun a war on social media. This year, I have been a part of many social media sites. Most of the time, I have just been an observer; capturing imagery here and there of alternative ways one chooses to love one's self. However, there have been some where I have been smack dab in the centre of it all. One of the examples is through my Instagram page.
It seems as if everyone and their mother has an Instagram account. From celebrities to pre-teens, everyone is involved in taking "selfies" and posting them for the world to see. It's a fun way to express one's self; taking a picture, using filters and sharing the photos with the Instagram world through hashtags. Instagram has become so popular that there are even communities all over the site. Most of the communities are all about one's body image.
One community, actually it is the one that I am proud to say I am a member of, is called "Pizza Sisters 4 Lyfe." The community, connecting women and men through the hashtag "pizzasisters4lyfe," is a community that supports and promotes self love. Self love meaning loving the body you're in and the bodies of other people. No hate, no body shaming, no fat shaming, no skinny shaming, etc. Pizza Sisters 4 Lyfe is all about loving Everybody and Every Body.
While there are communities that promote self love and loving one's fellow wo/man, there are some that go around "trolling" the people who are trying to love themselves a little bit more each day. The fat shamers, the pro eating disorder pages who say that if one is fat, they can not be happy. Fat, overweight or obese people are simply not allowed to be happy. The pages who promote fat shaming and harass people who are doing nothing to harm anyone else. The feud seems to begin with them.
I have been the target of many a bully in my day. I'm in my late twenties and I have never been skinny. I was fat in kindergarten, I was fat in elementary school and I was fat in high school. Honey, I have grown a thick skin and people do not affect me with their words anymore. One person, however, got to me. She was in her teens and she had commented on a few of my photos calling me names such as "fat ass" and "cow," things I had heard before. I admit I was amused by this person who was getting her thrills by calling me names. So, I did what I always do and I viewed her page. Her Instagram page was filled with pro-anorexia and pro-bulimia photos. The saddest part about her page was the photos were of her. A bucket for vomiting up dinner, imagery of self-harm and calling herself fat when she barely had any meat on her. Needless to say, I went from being amused by her bullying of me to downright appalled and completely saddened for her.
After being called many names by many more teens, I noticed that most of them have this warped vision of what women are supposed to look like. Society had warped these girls' brains and had turned them into savage beasts, competing with one another for the perfection they see on tv, the internet and through magazines. The women in my life were all large and in charge when I was growing up, so being big never offended or made me think less of myself. It also never made me want to hate on other girls who were smaller or larger than myself. It makes me wonder what the new generation of women are being taught.
I stand firm in my belief that women and men all over the world are the way they are for a reason. Maybe they did it to themselves, maybe health reasons put them in the position they are in, or maybe, just maybe, they love themselves they way they are and don't need to change themselves to fit into society. I strongly believe that every human being on this Earth has the potential for greatness. Everyone has the ability to love themselves and their fellow human. Promoting self-love is not another way of promoting obesity or an unhealthy lifestyle. Self-love is just as simple as looking in the mirror, whether you're a size 0 or a size 30, and loving who you are.
Beauty is only skin deep, babes. If you're ugly on the inside, it doesn't matter how you look on the outside.
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