Like many people, men and women, on the self-love train, I am not in love with myself the way most are. I know, it may be hypocritical for me to say "love yourself, despite the body you have," and "every body is beautiful," when I don't even feel that about myself. However, it doesn't mean that I am not trying.
I have spent the last 28 years of my life defending myself. I remember being in preschool and saying "I used to be skinny," as if it was something I needed to be. The teacher at the preschool, she had known me since I was a baby, laughed at me and said "No you weren't." I was young, just about to enter kindergarten, and that stands out in my mind to this day. All through elementary school, middle school and high school, I was forced to defend myself against kids my age and their parents. The bullying over my weight drastically affected not only my self-esteem, but the way I viewed the people around me, how I treated the people in my life and the way I treated my body.
I started smoking at nine years old. I had seen teenagers from my neighbourhood smoking to relieve stress from their school lives and I thought it would help me as well. I started mouthing off to teachers at school from the age of 10 and didn't care how many times I was suspended for calling the teachers nasty names or cussing directly to their faces. Once I reached the age of 14, I had a reputation for being a foul-mouthed girl who could rip someone's face off just by looking at them the wrong way. It was better than being bullied for my weight, so I thought, so this reputation was fine with me.
High school was another story, as I was expelled my freshman year for fighting, but through the teen years, my weight has always been a constant thing that people poked at. I left the school world and took care of my parents, something I am still doing today. I isolated myself. I had no friends, besides my best friend from childhood, and I had developed social anxiety. When my father lost his job, we had to go on welfare and, because it is something that is required by the government, I had to either go to school or get a job. I was 23, had been taking care of my parents for 9 years, had no high school education and had never had a job. I had done this to myself, and I had nothing and no one to blame but myself.
I went back to school, attending an adult day school close to my house, and I was terrified. I knew no one, I went to the back of the class each day and sat there with the hood of my sweater pulled down over my face and did my work as fast as I could so I could leave. My years of isolation had changed me from the hard, foul-mouthed girl into a woman who knew nothing about life.
I was not bullied in the school, that was one thing I could be grateful for. On the way home, however, I was subjected to many comments and actions from the people in my neighbourhood. From being Moo'd at, to being screamed at by people from their passing cars, to having garbage thrown at me, it was an every day thing. Every day, there was a comment or an object being thrown at me.
I'm not saying that nothing good came out of the whole experience. I met my best friend at that school. I met a very close friend through her. Isolating myself drew me to the online world, where I met my boyfriend of five years. However, I am not in love with my body.
I know what I am. I know I am fat, and I am trying to find the beauty in what I see in the mirror but after all of the years of my body being shamed by, not only other people, but myself, it's hard to see myself as beautiful. My boyfriend, who I love with of my heart, loves me and my body. My friends love me no matter what size I am. My best friend brings out the best in me. I am the only one who does not see it.
I put up a great front in front of people. I believe in the mantra "fake it until you feel it." I have been faking it for many years now. Now that I am ready to go out into the world, look for a job, follow my career path, I am looking to love myself even more.
So, for the people like me; the people who don't yet love themselves, I want to say that you're not alone... I understand and so do many others.
